Thursday, August 18, 2011

I'm back.

thing have been unstabel the last few days shifting sliding slipping

but I think its over, and the storm has receeded.

HE was here. HE visited me. He hasn't been here in years, years years years not since they

But I don't know I don't know if he was displeased I don't know if he can be displeased I mean I don't even know if he can tell us apart from each other not really proxies and runners and fighters we are all his

I'm rambling. Focus. Focus.

But Maurice left a very specific list when he was here and he was always the schemer the smart one the planner and I'd be a fool to ignore it.

My head was filled with darkness. I had such strong desires. To kill, kill Elaine Kill Hakurei kill Nick especially Nick.

But he could not make me want to hurt Schrodinger. The one I consider my daughter. The daughter I shall never have, despite it all.

Nor could he make me hate Ronan.


I remember in the final days. Maurice was off on some mad quest, shouting how he would return with the beasts head. Brian was watching me. He knew I was too far gone, too lost within myself to help myself so he fed me, made sure I bathed, took care of me.

And when HE came Brian picked up the axe from the wall, and stood in front of me, his whole body shaking, his eyes so determined.

He was afraid so afraid but he did not back down, and they stared at each other until Maurice burst into the room dressed like Childe Roland of all things and blowing an old-fashioned warhorn made out of the bone of some beast

and HE left.

Maurice and Brian lifted be back onto my feet, and both my heroes walked me out of the door.

as I drifted to sleep that night I heard them whispering

"no matter what happens, she's gotta survive. Nothing else matters."


I have begun to pack all my things, and prepare to leave.

I have been in this city for far too long.


  1. Move on if you feel you must. But keep safe the thought that there are lines you will not cross, and people you love too much to destroy. Given the chance, that feeling will grow.

  2. Rachael, it's good to have you back. Don't feel bad, the important thing is that you didn't act on those thoughts.
    And the fact that there were people you care about that much... it's precious. Hold tight to it, it will help.
    I hope travelling does you some good.

  3. Stay alive damn it. We like you.

    And I feel pretty good right now. If something wants me dead, I'm doing my job right, even if it's a proto-typical hate-thing trying to take space in your head. ^_^