Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Ugh oh god

Im in...nebraska?Kansas? Something like that

I ahvent stoped or eaten or slept in twentyfour hours and that was so dumb

why did i think that woud go well.

Im such a failure and now Im twitching in a truck stop lort.
locking my doors

gonna curl up until i stop twitching and shaking

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Special Delivery

Today the package I was expecting was finally delivered.

Most of you know who Spencer is: The fellow who runs the delivery service? He came up to my door this morning'

 "Delivery for..." His smirk softened to a grin. the sort of grin used in the noir films by dashing detectives. "Why hello there." He walked like an automaton as he entered: slow, awkward. He's extremely tall, I'm not sure if anyone's ever said that.

I insisted on seating him and giving the man a drink. While I was making his tea he seemed a bit uneasy. Because of me? I hope not.

I felt his eyes on me as I bustled with the tea, but still I did not expect him to strike up a conversation.

Spencer: "How have you been? It hasn't been easy lately, I gather."
Me: " comes and it goes. It gets hard to hold on to me, sometimes...not Thank you so much for asking. And Schrodinger...its hard. It's really hard"
Spencer: "Believe it or not, I know the feeling." He still had that slight smile  but his voice...his voice was so sad.
But I couldn't stop talking about myself.

Maurice: "Its not even so much that I'm giving into some unknown force, sometimes...I'm just too weak to hold onto myself. Rachael isn't strong enough to hold myself together, when it's really bad..."

Spencer: "It's surprising. you seem almost... hostile."
Me:"I just...things are weird. I...sometimes I wonder if Maurice is even the way... he appears, sometimes...I don't know I'm not a psychologist. I'm trying as hard as I can to be strong but it's never quite good enough."
Spencer: "He's trying his best, I think." his voice was quiet and unusual, and he was looking away from me, something so off, so...uncertain. "it's.. all to protect you so far. We get... twisted. We start to exagerate features to the point of interpretation of others, but if you just look at actions..."

It was in this moment I understood. Spencer was nervous. Just like me. He didn't know what to do either. Like me, he plays a part, though he plays it far better than I do.

Me: "...I think we understand each other better than we let on. Tabulas Rasas. Or we were." she says quietly, nearly a whisper." Am I wrong?"

He looked at me, earnestly, plaintively almost. I had hit a nerve, as he had hit mine without even knowing.

Spencer:"It's hard to judge right and wrong these days. Good an evil. Is it so bad if you think you're doing what's right? what's needed?"

Suddenly the smile returned, and he settled back. Buisness once again.

Spencer: "It's a good car. Was used by a mob boss way back when. Re-enforced paneling for bullets and collisions."

I smiled, a smile to show I was okay with going back to the matter at hand. That I could cope.

Me:"Good. I'm...I'm trying my hardest to do the right thing. I'm already going to hell. Its appreciated." I paused,  unsure if I should keep talking.
"I'm going to try to stand on my own two feet. You understand, right? Whatareyougoingtotake?"

Spencer: "Thanks for the tea. You're a lot more polite than a lot of the people I deliver to these days."
 Me: "I can't be rude. If I wasn't polite, I'd be alone. Who'd agree to visit a  Proxy who was rude?"

There was a quiet pause, a more comfortable one.
Me:"Give Elaine my best when you see her. You are welcome to stop by any time you are in the area."

He shook his head sadly.
Spencer: "let's hope we both last that long." He took his payment with him. As he stood up, he suddenly turned towards me. He leaned in close, stubble brushing her ear.
Spencer:  "... thank you."

His skin was as cold as ice.

I froze up. I didn't know what to do so I let my long dormant instincts take over and I hugged Spencer tightly. He seemed just as shocked as I did, but soon slowly but surely he returned my hug.

Only two other people have hugged me in the last twelve years.

Another pause, this time in the doorway.

Spencer: "Stay safe, alright? Both of you."

I smiled at that, because what else can you really do but smile?

Me: "Thank you for everything, Spencer."

Spencer: "... heh. Exit the tragic hero."

And then he was gone, into the bright summer morning.

I'm posting this from a truck stop somewhere in the middle of America. I'm going to live, now. I'm done hiding in the rainy nights of New York.

I'm breaking out, NOW.
I will try to find something more then the roles and acting I left behind.

Sunday, August 28, 2011




Hell of a storm out there, not a night for men or beasts ladies and gentlemen.

But you know what else is not going to be meant for men or beasts?



But seriously. Worldly possessions sold, house cleaned, andddd

Rachael finally remembered where I stored all my knives. ALL THE KNIVES.

Butterfly, Switchblades, bowie, serrated AND straight. (UNLIKE DAVID WHOS NEITHER Ohhh! Ohhh!)

 I brifly considered a machette but come on, that's so pedantic.

Don't get confused: I'm not a knife nut. One just tends to gather tools that are useful. Brian god rest his soul had a collection of axes crowbars, mallets, a regular tool store in his room by the end.

Weeee oh God I love that sound We not I not you not my Name but WE picked out two. No hints, ladies and germs but it'll be a nice show for you lot. I can promise you THAT! KILL HIM DEAD WITH THE BLADES OF JUSTICE

or however you chaps say it these days

So the car should be arriving soon.

On a serious note, Rachael's shaken up guys. Shaken up Badly.

She needs whatever support you lot can give her.

And now, she's out for blood.


she never killed anyone before

I dont know if she


am ready now

Thursday, August 25, 2011

You know what I've been doing today?

Going around

painting over my grafiti and tearing down my posters all over the city

this isn't over not for a long shot but I have to try

I don't know what is going to happen to me now I've never had to run on my own but I'm expecting a way out of the city to come shortly. I'll be around for a little while still, to be sure.

But Ronan, he's hasn't responded yet. I guess I was really cryptic but its hard to get past the layers to the first mask.

I don't even

I don't even know for sure.

He listened. I want to see him for that much. He listened and had faith before anyone else did or even would.

I want to see him for that at least.

I haven't felt anything for such a long time.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

“Do you remember that day you fell out of my window?”
“I sure do, you came jumping out after me.”
“Well, you fell on the concrete and nearly broke your ass and you were bleeding all over the place and I rushed you off to the hospital. Do you remember that?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Well, there’s something I never told you about that night.”
“What didn’t you tell me?”
“While you were sitting in the backseat smoking a cigarette you thought was going to be your last, I was falling deep, deeply in love with you and I never told you ‘til just now.”


Love it all comes down to love

all we have in the end of this is our fragile human emotions they are our greatest weapons and biggest weaknesses.

why else would a man leap into the void but to try to save his love?

why else would a man fight on despite the hopelessness, but to avenge his love's death?

I'm reminded of part of a song, honest this time. I won't hide behind lyrics falsely anymore.



Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is whenever I’m with you
Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is when I’m alone with you

Let me come Home

Home is wherever I’m with you 


this is scarier than death

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Now What

I'm waiting on something.

I wish I knew what. A sign, I suppose. The Car, for sure. I'm waiting for that mine couldn't make it that far.

I considered burning down or selling the house, but I decided I'd leave it standing. There are far too many memories in that building to just burn it and it would be nice to have something to fall back on

I had hoped to make this post about something important, something that I could share

But I realized I have very little but the past


We were nineteen. All of us were, I mean. It had been a year since Maurice had decided that he would not go on to college. Maurice had a plan. He bought a car, and an apartment in New York, and the three of us fled in the night for the city. We settled in to our squalorous apartment. This was back in the early nineties, And Maurice told us Chelsea was the place to be in New York. We settles in, and as time went by we found jobs and worked and looked for our chances.

But the never came


The other night I was walking down the street and I saw a young man being beaten by two men in masks. They were laughing the sort of laughter that stops just short of a man's belly, the sort of laugh you only hear from the dead and the broken. The boy was sobbing he was the boy I gave the money to I saw when they ripped his hood up and kicked into his face.

But I could do nothing


im so weak

Thursday, August 18, 2011

I'm back.

thing have been unstabel the last few days shifting sliding slipping

but I think its over, and the storm has receeded.

HE was here. HE visited me. He hasn't been here in years, years years years not since they

But I don't know I don't know if he was displeased I don't know if he can be displeased I mean I don't even know if he can tell us apart from each other not really proxies and runners and fighters we are all his

I'm rambling. Focus. Focus.

But Maurice left a very specific list when he was here and he was always the schemer the smart one the planner and I'd be a fool to ignore it.

My head was filled with darkness. I had such strong desires. To kill, kill Elaine Kill Hakurei kill Nick especially Nick.

But he could not make me want to hurt Schrodinger. The one I consider my daughter. The daughter I shall never have, despite it all.

Nor could he make me hate Ronan.


I remember in the final days. Maurice was off on some mad quest, shouting how he would return with the beasts head. Brian was watching me. He knew I was too far gone, too lost within myself to help myself so he fed me, made sure I bathed, took care of me.

And when HE came Brian picked up the axe from the wall, and stood in front of me, his whole body shaking, his eyes so determined.

He was afraid so afraid but he did not back down, and they stared at each other until Maurice burst into the room dressed like Childe Roland of all things and blowing an old-fashioned warhorn made out of the bone of some beast

and HE left.

Maurice and Brian lifted be back onto my feet, and both my heroes walked me out of the door.

as I drifted to sleep that night I heard them whispering

"no matter what happens, she's gotta survive. Nothing else matters."


I have begun to pack all my things, and prepare to leave.

I have been in this city for far too long.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Im not a bad person

I swear I'm not

None of us were we just didnt know better didnt know anything

But we learned and we lived!

I've spent the last few days just brooding. Brooding and packing. Organizing things. Figuring things out.

There are things I must get accomplished, whether by the Fabulous Maurice (yours truly) or by Rachael

Things I must get done at a later date include:

1) Murdering the FUCK outta that Chesire fucked-faced twatcunt bitchass titshit.  NO ONE HURTS MY LITTLE GIRL.

2) Actually telling my story instead of acting like a stupid weakassed bitch who can only cry and sob. And leave baffling cryptic hints that don't match to anything.

3) Meeting up with Ronan. Because shit, as much as I'm loath to admit it, he's one of the few things holding us at arm's length from HIM right now.

4) As related to 3, Getting out of this house and getting a mode of transportation. Rachael has left enough shit  unattended to for FAR to long, just laying about in this house and sometimes doing ineffective things and minor charity work. I DIDN'T SET THIS UP SO SHE COULD DO THAT.

5) Don't get murdered by an Abomination by finding non-murder ways to appease it.


And look, ladies and gentlemen, listen to me. Maurice was never a bad person. I'm not a bad person. I'm just less than an arms length from a Horror and things bend things break

I'm dealing with four now. This guy could help. Heaven knows We can pay whatever he asks.

She'd want it to be Spencer. Which is fine, I guess.

Rachael will be coming back soon. But until then...

I have an old friend to track down.

see rachael look i can do it too



Saturday, August 13, 2011


Small-time Napoleon's shattered his knees
But he stays in the saddle for Rose
And all his disciples, they shave in the gutter
And they gather what's left of his clothes

 Ladies and gentlemen!

It's been a while since we've been on this stage. I turn my back for five minutes and what do I find?


I am so dissapointed.

The show had barely started! The wheels need to keep on turning.

But the show must go on! It always goes on and on and on and on!


Sing me a rainbow, steal me a dream.

But regardless. I have some things to talk about.

Dearest Rachael is MINE. I'm all she has. All she needs. Well Brian but Brian is hardly a man so whatever. The point is you chucklefucks are NOT WELCOME. Whatever she says.

If she forgets about us, I'll be dead forever, you hear me?

She can't forget about us not me she's the only one left I'm all she has when the lights are gone.

Besides, she'd be dead if it wasn't for me.

I killed those people for her. She's not hurt anyone. And I plan on keeping it like that.


no more than that I AM HER.

play the part be the part.

Rachael deserves better than any of you.

So she gets me.


Thursday, August 11, 2011

I had houseguests

The house has been quiet for so long. Its was wonderful to just have other people around.

And the people who have been the first to break my silence for years are some of the people I'd most wanted to see.

Elaine is such a proud woman. A warrior. Brian would have loved her. He liked women who had the look she holds in her eyes. They were always his weakness, but he was always so shy...never taking the lead. Waiting and watching

I'm wandering I'm wandering. Focus.

She held me when I was at my worst and she listened as I told her what I could of myself and she listened god she listened.

She had some advice for me, and she made me clear the dust and open the blinds.

She was the one who told me I need to go for him, find anything, just get out

But the one I was happiest to see was Schrodinger.

She...she's the reason I'm able to post lucidly right now. She's an angel, even in her near death state. I'll remember looking into those eyes for the rest of my life

eyes that believed in me as I cared for her

there was no itch.


as long as I cared for her. 

Rachael loves her

and I know I would have loved to been her father.

But they are gone, and once more the house gets quiet. The rooms get dark. The blinds shut

and the crawling returns to my skin

no I need a goal a reason I can't let this keep happening I can't be Maurice

even though it is so sooo easy dahhhling...

you could never resist me, you know. Not once,

But its not just me now. a world where she lives, there is purpose. My daughter.

She's hardly that, my dearest. You know that. Stop this foolishness.

You are me now. You are the reason I'm gone now, so accept me like a good girl.
Take it, it's what you were always good aattttttt.

You don't need anyone else but Brian and me. We are everything.

what about what about Ronan.



Sunday, August 7, 2011

I can hear the voices sometimes.

Maurice, in his strong silky tone, like a warm blanket over my body.

Brian, in his gentle loving voice, holding me together, trying to shelter me.

Brian standing tall, an axe in his hand, his whole body shaking, making his glasses dance in the lowlight.

Maurice laughing, shouting how all the world is a stage and we are but the players

Brian whipsering how he loved me afraid unable to touch

Maurice caressing me, telling how he needed me

Imdrowning in them

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Strike the Set

Well here we are. You must know me by now. Know what I am.

If not

the show is over, ladies and gentlemen.

and I'm the only one who stayed behind to clean up.

I'm the only one still here.

I remember more of what I am and what I was. But nothing near enough, nothing near a right ammount.

I'm trying though good God I'm trying.

I sweep the stage alone in the spotlight on the dark stage

the stage must be clean

I expect guests, someday.

I really am quite lonely.