Monday, September 26, 2011

Before I fell asleep, I remember hearing them talk.

"When I grow up I wanna marry Rachael."

"NO! I'm gonna marry Rachael!"

"We can both marry Rachael. And then we'll be friends forever."

I fell asleep as they began to giggle, then laugh. I loved the sound of their laughter mixing.


We were fourteen. Freshman. Sometime, when we were not looking, Maurice had begun to transform from the short awkward boy with a big mouth to a handsome sophisticated young man. Or so he would pretend. He was just as neurotic as he used to be. He just hid it better.

And lord knows we all had something to hide by this point. I had realized by the time I was twelve that not everyone's daddies spent the night in a drunken coma after shouting at nothing for hours on end. Brain had broken a boy's arm in a fight after a game and never again touched a football.

And Maurice? He kept his secrets, kept his thoughts to himself. Or most of them. You could never see all the way into his eyes.

But suddenly, Maurice was in. He was popular. And we became a little popular with him. Maurice carried the school swim team. And he looked good doing it. Maurice tried out for a school play, and got the lead in his first ever audition. Brian joined stage crew and I?

I was a supporting actor.

Brian and I walked home together every day, after practices were over.

The way he looked at everything but me on the walk back those warm fall afternoons meant more to me than the stares of all the other boys

except when Maurice would smile, really smile at me

which I hate to admit.

He finally asked me out at the beginning of sophomore year.

Brian was a good boyfriend. He remmbered. He explored with me. He helped me learn things, things neither of us knew anything about. He held me gently. So gently. He was afraid of hurting me. Always so afraid of hurting me.

And Maurice smiled with us and laughed but I could feel his eyes on me. His intense dark eyes always searching me.

Brian knew it too for those eyes were searching him as well.

His eyes were full of desire. For me, for Brian, for both of us, for our bond...

I'll never know I never understood him. I never could.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

We were ten. Brian Maurice and I had a sleepover in Brian's yard, in a large tent. It felt large at the time, anyways. The roof reached high over our heads and the entrance could fit two of us at once. A castle, to us.

We spent all night reading to each other, acting out the scenes we thought were the best. Brian loved the Wind and the Willows, I remember, always picking the scene where Mole and Rat and Toad and Badger (Badger was imaginary) defeated the evil stoats ferrets and weasels for control of Toad Hall.

Maurice's favorite was The Horn of Roland, or a King Arthur story. He loved the stories of knights, though I would never play the princess.

And I? I acted out their stories. They always had better choices than I did, theirs were more fun.

But this night, they managed to get me to play the princess. I can't recall how, exactly, but

Maurice had chosen a Knights of the Round table tale known as "Sir Gawain and the Green Knight"

Do you know this story?

It is the story of a knight, bold and valiant (Maurice) who is told he will be beheaded in a year by a Green Knight. He searches all across the land, looking for the Knight, and comes upon a kindly Baron and his wife. ( guess who was the baron and who was the wife)

So Gawain stays with them, because the Baron says that the meeting place where Gawain agreed to meet with the Knight is only a short distance away. The Baron goes out to hunt each day. The Baron tells  Gawain he will give him whatever he hunts as long as Gawain gives him whatever he gets during the day while he is gone. Gawain accepts.

So the Baron goes off to hunt and the Baroness immediately starts trying to seduce Gawain and he gives her one kiss. Gawain gave the Baron a kiss in return.

The next day, she gives him two more kisses, and on the third day, three kisses and an offer for a Green Belt that would protect him from harm.

Gawain accecpted the belt, the only additional thing he would gently rebuffing her advances, but he did not tell the Baron about the belt or his wife's infidelity, or give him the belt.

So when he went down to  the Chapel to meet the Green Knight, The Green Knight swung once, and held back the blow, twice, held back. Third, he pricked his neck.

Then the Baron removed his Helmet.

 He had been playing a joke with Gawain, and testing him. And Gawain had just barely passed.

I fell asleep early that night, but the two boys sat up talking and reading far into the night...

I don't know.

I think

this had a lot of bearing on how the rest of our lives went.

we were young, so young

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

When I was little, I lived in a tiny town in Northwestern Connecticut. The town had a population of maybe 1,200. Small. We were surrounded by trees.

It''s hard for me to describe the town without having you already know what it looks like, but imagine a place where all life is hidden by forests, thick forests, and neighbors are a tenth of a mile away.

I was lucky though. My parents built their house right next to their best friends house. They both had children. Brian and I were friends since the moment we were brought home.

As we got older, Brian and I played in the woods and our yards during the day and at night we would make silly faces and shine flashlights at each other through the windows.

Brian...I've avoided describing Brian as much as possible. I'm sorry. But he had brown hair, and glasses. A gentle smile.

When we started school we held each other's hands as we walked in. We  didn't know any of the other children.

I remember, sometime in the first week there was a schoolyard fight. A big kid and a smaller, scrawny tanned kid in a neighborhood full of Anglo-Saxons.

The big kid was slowly looming and the scrawny kid was bouncing around, moving his hands like a boxer and shouting.

" I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark! You can't take me! I'm the greatest!"

 We were six. This is how we met Maurice. 


Brian ran foreward and made sure the big kid and Maurice wouldn't fight. As the crowd dispersed, dissapointed Maurice turned towards us and said quietly. "t-thanks." Only then did I see how scared he looked, the tear drops in the corner of his eyes. 

"I-I'm Maurice." He smiled awkwardly at us.

"My name is Brian an' this is Rachael." 

From then on, the three of us were inspererable. Maurice showed us Shakespeare,  made us bike to the resevoir where we broke into the tower in the middle, made the best group Halloween costumes. We were the only people who knew that Maurice, when not acting, had a halting stutter, a speech problem. It wouldn't be until High School that he had it fixed. Maurice cried when we watched anything remotely sad. 

And I watched.

Once a week, he'd stay over at Brian's house. Maurice and his parents never really got along, and that was they could still hang out with me

And sometimes, we'd go camping out in the forest behind the house. But that is a story for later.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I found a wallet

I found a wallet

Inside were pictures of your small family
You were so young, your hair dark brown
You had been born in 1953
Your winter birthday was stamped on the plastic
Of a license so recently expired

I was so tired as I walked through my door
I let all the contents of your wallet on the floor

And like a holy relic

Or a mystery novel
I thumbed them in the dim light
Searching for a clue-

A Blockbuster card,
An old stick of Juicy Fruit
A crumpled receipt for a pair of leather boots

I have no wallet,

I have no wallet

I keep my cards together with a blue rubber band
And with a free hand I search in my pocket
For pieces of

pieces of paper and change

I'll take your wallet

To my local Blockbuster
They'll find your number
in their computer

You'll never know me
I'll never know you

But you will be so happy


When they call you up. 

Emma, darling Emma. Rest in peace.

I'll miss you.

The curtain is lowered slowly on Emma's stage, one final time.

I sweep off the stage, turn off the lights, and

lock the doors

one final time.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Killing him didn't make me feel any better

I like my town with a little drop of poison

Nobody knows they're lining up to go insane

I'm all alone, I smoke my friends down to the filter

it didnt restore that beautiful girl that near child

Wipe him down with gasoline 'til his arms are hard and mean
From now on boys this iron boat's your home


it just left me feeling more hollow more dirty

Said steam, steam, a hundred bad dreams
Going up to Harlem with a pistol in his jeans
A fifty-dollar bill inside a palladin's hat
And nobody's sure where Mr. Knickerbocker's at

he didn't even resist he didnt even try to fight

Son of a bitch is never coming back here no more
Moon in the window and a bird on the pole
Can always find a millionaire to shovel all the coal

he just laughed and cried and let me chopslashcut

Two-dollar pistol but the gun won't shoot
I'm in the corner on the pouring rain
Sixteen men on a dead man's chest
And I've been drinking from a broken cup
Two pairs of pants and a mohair vest
I'm full of bourbon, I can't stand up

he looked sick

Let me fall out of the window with confetti in my hair
Deal out Jacks or Better on a blanket by the stairs
I'll tell you all my secrets, but I lie about my past
And send me off to bed for evermore


whatami forgetting 

Sunday, September 11, 2011

I was too late.


i couldnt save her

but I got him.

Wolf, no Joel and I got there Thrusday morning. We found the note and left without leaving a trace. We didn;t want to disturb anything, and there was a direct challenge.

We burnt rubber the whole way there, my foot never left the floor of the car for days on end. and when we got there no sleep no stopping just rubber burning and acceleration, endless acceleration.

Back where it started back in New York why did We even leave-


oh Emma, oh my beloved daughter he was there and he was eating her he was fucking eating her HE WAS EATING SCHRODINGER

so I grabbed him and clawed at him and wolf helped me drag him to the car and
from there we drove, he drove, he didnt want to but I made him

"TO THE FUCKING DOCKS" I shrieked and Wolf did not argue

 I felt myself retreating into myself but I would not Rachael was the one who clawed his face as he didnt resist and laughed and weeped and laughed and I clawed his face and neck and bit him and ripped his throat and finally drew my knife and schreeched into his face


and slashed his face and cut his arm off and his keg was sawed off and his arm torn from its socket and stabbed up and down his murderous frame and stabbed both his eyes both of them and screamed into his throat and stabbed in his throat


and I put him into a barrel on the docks

and tossed him into the sea.

No part of his body was attached to any other part of his body.


I killed him. Chesire is dead. He paid for what he did to my daughter.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Exit Line

Two birds on a wire
One tries to fly away
And the other watches him  from that wire
He says he wants to as well
But he is a liar

"I'll believe it all

There's nothing I won't understand

I'll believe it all
I won't let go of your hand"

Two birds on a wire

One says "c'mon" and the other says "I'm tired
The sky is overcast and I'm sorry"
One more or one less
Nobody's worried


Two birds of a feather
Say that they're always gonna stay together
But one's never going to let go of that wire
He says that he will
But he's just a liar

Two birds on a wire

One tries to fly away and the other
Watches him close from that wire
He says he wants to as well, but he is a liar

Two birds on a wire

Once tries to fly away and the other... 

We are close

So close! Getting closer every day.

We are nearing the California border. As far as we know, she's somewhere in here.

Wolf has been a godsend. I don't know how I would have gotten through this trip without someone to prattle to, even if he mostly keeps quiet.

He's told me a little about himself, too. Lucas, I think their might still be hope. Not a lot of hope, but some hope. That sounds weird I apologize.

I'm getting anxious. I'm such a failure. I only hope...I only hope I can prove myself by saving her.

I dont have a lot to say so I'm just going to stop here.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

An Update/ A Brian Story

Oh dear, its been a few days, hasn't it?

I'm terribly sorry, everyone.

Honestly, if Wolf hadnt found me, and basically forced me to stay awake and drive out of that truckstop, I don't know what would have happened.

We think the exhaustion, the emotional strain and only eating junk food on an empty stomach was what caused me to get so I'll, but I'm having doubts.

Between you and me, internet, I think it might be Hhim.

But I have to soldier on. People are depending on me. No one's depended on me for such a long time.

Wolf is a better traveling companion than might be expected. Relatively silent, and rather gruff, to be sure but companionable. I'll write up a post about our adventures so far in a little bit.

But I believe I promised Dia a story.


I've...Ive avoided talking about Brian if I could. Brian is a bit more...personal.

Brian would tell me in High School, first, that he loved me. But we knew each other since we were little. We were neighbors. Maurice lived a few houses down the road, which in Barkhamstead means that he was quite a distance away.

Brian was a quiet boy. He loved to read, explore the woods that surrounded us and he was the kind of boy who liked to help people. He was so sweet to his parents to animals to me

No. Focus.

I remember one time, in High School, while we were dating, Brian took me by the hand, lead me to his car and drove me to the Reservoir.  People call it Saville Dam now, I guess.

We stood on the outcropping in the middle for well over an hour, Brian dragging on a cigar, unable to say the words he felt but I knew and held him as we both wept.

But they were happy tears. We needed each other.

Maurice was a specter that haunted both of us. Neither of us could resist him.

No one can.

But it was Brian who would be my protector and savior.

I promise I'll explain everything soon.

I promise. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry

Thursday, September 1, 2011

hn gg

I'm feeling a little better.

I managed to get some fast food down but i still feel too woozy yto really drive

hamburger's taste the sdame no matter how long its been since youve eaten one

I should at leadst get out of this truckstop today and keep going schrody's dependinfg on me

while I'm trapped I will tell a story i think

what do yoh wanna here baout