Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Sunday, October 23, 2011

i cant breathe

i cant breathe


i cant breathe

we I cant

I had a dream
I had a dream tonight
That I cut off a piece of the baby Jesus
To offend my friends

But the joke misfired, yes it did oh yes it did
Cause the piece of the baby I cut off it bled and it bled

I tried everything
I tried bandages and shit
I tried praying to it
But all to no avail

Nothing could keep the baby Jesus from bleeding
Oh no, nothing would keep the baby Jesus from bleeding





I got to stop having these dreams
They are killing me inside
They are killing me alive
They are ruining my soul

But nothing could keep these dreams from hurting me
No no, nothing could keep these dreams from fucking me up

And then the worst thing happened
The baby opened his eyes
And he stared into mine
And he started to speak

"He said listen boy I'm gonna throw you in hell
I'm gonna make you scream I'm gonna make you yell
I'm gonna make you wish that you'd never seen me in the first place you ungrateful prick






God made dirt and dirt don't hurt
God made our lives so much worse
So much fucking worse

God made guns and God made knives
He ruined all these God-made lives
God made knives and God made guns
God is having so much fun with us
So much fun with us

Heaven is a special place in hell
Where you can watch the people you hate get hurt.

Well God made crack and God made booze
God made the human race to lose
God made crack and God made booze
God made the human race to lose




i just want out

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

As life gets longer, awful feels softer,
and it feels pretty soft to me.
And if it takes shit to make bliss,
well I feel pretty blissfully. 

We packed our things and left in secret, only taking the money we had earned from our jobs, not much, not nearly enough. My mother wanted me to go to college, and Brian, he turned down a scholarship to UConn.To join Maurice on his Manifest Destiny.

We ended up moving into a small, nearly unbearably small apartment in the neighborhood of Chelsea. We settled down. Maurice began to audition for plays, Brain found work as a stage hand, and I worked as a bartender down the road a ways at night, and for a few hours in the morning I worked in a bakery. I had to, to make ends meet. The Rent wasn't cheap, and we had nearly no money. But I didn't mind. Maurice would come home, and tell us stories of the auditions, of the beautiful actresses, the directors, the drama he watched, and would hold me tight when I came home from the bar. He'd hold me and stroke me

only to dissapear and leave behind a depressed, spiteful man when he was not cast.

This happened


and again


No one was casting an unknown with no training and only 6 roles to his name.

Maurice would rage, sulk

and then he turned to drink+

and would rage and scream

just like my father.

If life's not beautiful without the pain,

well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again.
Well as life gets longer, awful feels softer.
And it feels pretty soft to me. 

 But Brian...

Brian was sucessful.

Brain had tghe skills needed to secure his job, and rose quickly through the ranks as a skilled technician. He was getting paid more and more and even though he worked long hours, we could afford Maurice. We could afford him not working and drinking all day, going to auditions and then drinking more. We could afford to be his slaves.

But one night

when Maurice had passed out after forcing himself on me drunkenly again, saying how much he loved me

Brian put his hands on my shaking shoulders, gently, kissed me on the forehead and carried me out of the appartment.

Brain had been saving in secret, you see. He told me

"I won't let him hurt you anymore. I love you, Rachael. I love you. "

And I clung to him like a raft as he took me away from the terror, the fear.

Maurice dissapeared from our lives.

Saturday, October 8, 2011


I went back to the bar for the first time in forever. 

I had left it in capable hands

I sat down at the bar, and wouldn't you know it: Hellsing and Fucking Barry

They look at me and they look so goddam happy to see me its sickening. 

"MAURICE" Barry runs up and gives me a hug. I push him off. 
"Sorry where'd you go how have you been wall anyone into any walls or anything?"

I ignore him. Hellsing is looking at me pensively. 

"Hey little lady, its been a while. How goes?" He postures, sweating like a pig in a sauna. 

I nod to him. Barry won't shut up. I can't get a word in edgewise. I sit between them and Doc nods. Doc is good, he asks no questions. Doesn't care. 

"M'am if the Proxies are harassing (said like hair-ass-in) you I will dispatch them post-haste. The Order of the Proxie Hunter lives on! And On and On and ONNNN!" He shouts triumphantly.

Barry laughs and they high-five. 

and I can only whisper

"what happened to you?"


 what happened?

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

I haven't had the courage to talk about this part of my life, but I cannot hide who I am from you. Not anymore. I have to take the good with the bad. Rachael is who I am.


Brian was safe. I loved and hated that about him. Nothing changed about him. He was stable.

But Maurice...

Maurice would be painting one week, the next burning everything he painted. He'd have a stack of old-world philosophy tomes the next week and the week after that smoking out back with the stoners, or throwing rocks at cars with the chavs.

Even in our little town, there were stoners and chavs. I never even knew about that until I was much older. Maurice never let me into that part of his world, and I never ventured there.

My days were spent studying, being with Brian, acting with Maurice, and reading. Sometimes I wrote poems, sometimes I drew.

I...I think it's important to note I was still a virgin at this point. Brian never asked or pressured and...I wasnt about to, you know, ask him or anything oh god this is so embarrassing

I remember one day after practice, Maurice was driving me home.

He said so many things, and then

he had me

I couldn't look Brian in the eye

and Maurice had me again and again

until finally I broke up with Brian on fourth of July

months after.

We never told him but he knew he was devestated.

And one night on the way out of the door after practice to where Maurice's car was waiting

Brain was punching him kicked him stomping him and Maurice was not resisting

until Brian slumped over against his car and started sobbing

and Maurice held him gently.

he never held me that gently Brian's crying face between his two hands-

I ran away at this point I dont know what happened next I DONT WANT TO KNOW but they forgave each other. Brian had a few girlfriends in this time but they never lasted long.

And we graduated.

And Maurice had a gleam in his eye.

A plan, a holy mission.

To make us stars.

"We'll go to New York. Chelsea. All the artists go there. We can pool our money, get an apartment. Brian will be tech, I'll act, and Rachael." He gazed at me, that captivating gaze that lingers, lingers in your stomach for hours. "You can write the plays."

We left within the week. Maurice had captivated us both.

I loved him like a god.